It may be the first of its kind, but it is already being mooted as the most prestigious accolade in sport. The Sport Distort Alternative Personalities of the Year hails those who have set alight their particular disciplines in a way that no other sporting award would. For the past year our panel of experts have been tireless scouring the sporting world worthiest contenders, and here is our shortlist.
Andy Carroll
This is merely a formality for the Gateshead juggernaut Carroll – if he really wanted the award he could just walk in and take it. The late 90s wrestler-turned-Spartan Shearer has rocked the scene this year, scoring for fun in the Premier League, earning an England call up, learning the nicknames of every bartender on Tyneside and successfully robbing a bank vault with nothing but his elbows.
Win or lose, rain or shine, you know what to expect from Andy Carroll – some sort of power header, a shot hitting the woodwork, a traumatized centre back, and a proper mortal pre-lash. AROO! AROO! AROO!
Audley Harrison
In what was billed as one of the most one sided fights in the history of professional boxing Audley ‘A-Force’ Harrison has ascending to new levels of shite with his spectacular downfall at the hands of David Haye. Harrison not only let down his family and friends but also the thousands of people around the globe who forked out £14.99 for 472 seconds of boxing, a forgettable bout but a lifetime of embarrassment.
Ian Holloway
Ron Atkinson, George Graham, Kevin Keegan, where would the Premier League be without it’s plethora of angry managers? Enter stage left, Ian Holloway, the new kid on the block. Holloway has added his original brand of management to the greatest league in the world with his Blackpool side this season, and what a season it’s been so far. Winding up journalists, angry pleas to the footballing bodies and even the threat of resignation Holloway has not only got 11 players performing on the pitch, but he’s always got a healthy handful of bollocks to share in his post-match interviews.
Jake Humphrey
The vapid, uninspiring, overused and overpaid Humphmeister General has been a talismanic shining light for sports broadcasting in 2010. Everyone’s favourite work experience coffee runner has had a very busy year – proving that you don’t need to be burdened with passion for a sport in order to host a show about it, Humphrey was there for the BBC when they needed him most.
Need to grill pit crew in the pissing rain as the Belgian Grand Prix plods along? Jake’s your man. Need to kill four minutes discussing QPR v Barnsley? Call on Jake. Need someone to grab you a cheeky baguette? There’s old Jake.
Need cover for Lineker on Match of the Day? Easy now.
Wayne Rooney
While 25-year-old Manchester United striker may have failed to have had an impact on the footballing world this year, his impact on the UK’s economy has been frightening. Following the farce ever his contract at Old Trafford many are emulating his tactics to achieve a 100% pay rise. Thousands have been taking spontaneous trips abroad, frequenting brothels and simply underperforming in their job and their a criticisms from the Treasury that the Rooney effect could see the UK spiral into a double-dip recession, which is coincidentally one of Wayne’s favourite sexual activities, although not with the wife.
Sebastian Vettel
Sebastian Vettel can drive a car very, very fast. Very very fast indeed. A born tactician, Sebastian Vettel strives to have his car finish in front of all the cars. Though this doesn’t always work, Sebastian Vettel always shows the grit and determination to persist with this tactic. Oh Sebastian Vettel. Formula 1 Champion. So what if your team pumps millions into making your car the fastest car, faster than all the other cars? It means nothing to me Sebastian Vettel – cause nothing compares to you.
Boudewijn Zenden
2010 will be remembered for many great sporting moments: Spain winning the World Cup in fine style, Europe reclaiming the Ryder Cup in emphatic fashion, England and the other home nations putting in fine performances at the Commonwealth Games and Phil Taylor throwing some sharp pieces of metal.
Considering all these glorious occasions, as well as many more awe-inspiring sporting performances from across the spectrum, some moments do indeed fall by the wayside. But we at Sport Distort are determined to praise the unsung heroes – step forward Bolo Zenden.
This year, Zenden’s role has arguably transcended the boundaries of sport – thanks to Bolo, white men need no longer be afraid of hitting the dancefloor again. After the flying winger’s attempt at emulating the snake-hipped Asamoah Gyan’s funky shake, drunken uncles countrywide stopped to show their support. Take a bow Bolo, take a bow.
